Robby spent this last weekend with The Papa. He woke up this morning in his own bed and called for me as usual. When I went into his room he started saying he wanted his Papa over and over. I told him Papa was at Papa's house and this only upset him more. A few minutes of keeping our morning routine of snuggling in the chair in his room and he was fine. So fine in fact that he kissed me several times, smiled and said, "I love you, Mama". He has said that he loves Mama before, but it is usually preceded by an "I love Robby" or me asking him if he loves me. I think this is first time he genuinely said those words. My heart melted. Going from feeling guilty for keeping him from his Papa; the selfish feelings of wanting him to love me more than anyone else in the world; to feeling blissfully complete took all of five minutes.
As I reflect on this morning I can't help but feel proud as a parent. I allowed him to feel upset. I showed him it was okay to want someone else and that I would love him through it. I want him to be safe in feeling anything in front of me and know that I will be right here loving him. I've witnessed first hand a parent using this exact situation to comfort themselves and tell the child that the other parent doesn't love them as much. My Dad did that. It made me feel like I couldn't miss my Mom without betraying his love. It made it not okay to miss Mom in front of Dad at a time when my nine year old heart desperately needed someone to hold her and tell her it was okay.
I also can't help but wonder why I've been so judgemental of my own feelings over the past several months. I paid good money to have a professional tell me it was okay to feel the way I felt at any given time. I think today, finally, some of that may have sunk in.
My son, may your sins be your own.
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