Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Nexus

Acceptance. That was my New Year's wish and what I ask God for every night before I go to sleep. It hasn't come yet. I know I am an impatient person. I'm a real instant gratification kind of a gal. I have a feeling acceptance isn't something that you can see happening. Maybe you just wake up one morning and realize you've got it?

Why is acceptance so vital for me to have? It's Wednesday. The Papa sees Robby every Wednesday. I see The Papa every Wednesday. Don't get me wrong, the other 6 days of the week all cry for acceptance too but Wednesday is the day that screams the loudest. If I have acceptance, every thing he does not say, does not feel will not be a burning needle piercing my chest. Tonight, he made a reference to miniature golf and one of our first dates.* Although I acted like it was a normal topic, (and aren't I all grown up and sophisticated for being able to discuss this, by the way, thank you) it had the most abnormal emotional undertone screaming through my stomach. I wanted to scream, "How can you even think about a time when we were so happy and not be absolutely frantic and devastated about what we gave up?"
*Please understand Gentle Reader, that what I speak of here is of no fault of The Papa. He doesn't do anything to make me feel the way I do. I alone own my reactions and feelings, and they are the only monsters here.

What do I need to accept? That he is over us? That he isn't in love with me anymore? That he feels okay about walking away? I have to accept these things because they are not mine; they are his. Or maybe what I need to accept is that he is not going to be by my side (no matter who's choice that is) and I can still create a life I want to live. The life I have now is not what I thought I would have. Most days, I don't even know how I got to this place where I come home and the one I was going to share my life with is gone. How the hell did this happen? I'm so angry that's what's happened. Maybe the acceptance can't move in until the anger moves out.

It occurred to me driving home that maybe I was not getting acceptance because I didn't want to accept them. I don't want them. I choose option e) none of the above. I thought about that for a minute and realized that was the whole reason for wanting the all allusive acceptance. It's a loop. I'm the Dr. Soran of divorce and by God I can get back in the Nexus; or die trying.

I know in my head that I can create a life that is fun, enriching and worthwhile. I know I have a lot to bring to a new relationship. I know I will strive to be an amazing mother every day for the rest of my life. Knowing these things and not feeling them in my heart is the problem. The heart wants what it wants and to hell with all the other body parts. I guess that's where the saying "your heart isn't in it" came from. I want my heart to be in my life again.

For that, I need acceptance.

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