Separation Anxiety

Hi. I know I haven't posted in awhile. The Papa and I separated about 6 weeks ago. I've had a hard time concluding how I would write about all of this and post it here for everyone, including The Papa, to see. I'm sure I will post things that will hurt him on this site. I think the subject matter alone is enough to hurt him. I know that I have a need to write about my life though and I can't filter out the worst thing that I've ever been through and write about just potty training and the weather. I must address the rather large elephant in the living room at some point. I do know that I have no intentions of being cruel, either here or in the real world. I will always try to write with compassion and love.

I can't tell you all about how he cheated on me, stole the family bible or beat me. I can't because he didn't do any of those things. He's a good and decent man. I love him still and will until the day I die. The sad part is I've only just discovered that love isn't always enough. Sounds like some sad song from the 90's. As of today, I have not filed for divorce. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I've spent the past six weeks trying to think of any way I can to fix this marriage. I haven't let myself start a new life and I won't let myself go back to the old life. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. Emotionally, it has been a wild ride but things are more clear to me now than they were six weeks ago, last week or even yesterday. I guess I can call that progress.

If It Ain't #1; It's in the Top Two...

Scrub List

1. Find somewhere between rage and devestation to live.

The List

Several years ago, my friend Mitch, the Super-Duper Life Coach, suggested I create a list called, "Ten Daily Habits". Basically, it's a list of 10 things I need to do everyday to make my life run smoothly and joyfully. This list has been on my refrigerator ever since. Over the years it has moved from the front of the freezer door to the side of the refrigerator over the trash can. Tonight, I really looked at the list for the first time in too many years.

1. Take Medication/Vitamins

Is ice cream a vitamin? I haven't regulary taken a vitamin since they pulled Robby out.

2. Wear 1 Thing That Makes Me Smile

This used to be a shirt in my favorite color or a pair of jeans my ass looked good in. Today it made me smile that I had a clean pair of 10 year old jeans. Am I the only one who misses tapered-leg jeans and big hair?

3. 20 Minutes of Stress Relief

I remember this was my compromise for the word exercise. I didn't want to have to exercise everyday, so I wrote this instead. Is nicotine a stress reliever?

4. Keep Commitments

OK! Finally something I still try to do everyday. Today, I just don't commit to something/someone as often as I used to and I try never to work on a deadline. Accomplishment through avoidance. WooHoo!

5. Connect With One Person

This means truly have a meaningful interaction with another human (ie not isolate myself). If Robby counts, and I think he should, I have done this daily for going on 21 months.

6. One Scrub Item Completed

A "scrub item" is something on your to do list. The concept being that if you have too many things to do nagging at you there is no room left for the good stuff to come into your life. I used to have an actual Scrub List I would add to when something came up and cross things off as I completed them. The phrase "Do It, Dump It or Delegate It" was my mantra. Today this list is in my head and I do stuff when I have free time. Ok, stop laughing.

7. Floss

I went to the dentist for the first time in a little over 2 years last month. Yeah, I got the lecture. I used to keep the floss by the TV so I could do it as I watched Survivor or some other vital hour of must see television. (Note to self: Put floss by TV on To Do List)

8. Write in Journal

Journal? What about a BLOG, does that count? My guess is that unless I actually post it doesn't.

9. Read For Pleasure

I can hear all the parents out there laughing. Read? When? I used to be an avid reader. Now I'm lucky if I get to read an article in Parents magazine while on the toilet with out being interrupted. From the day he was born, Robby knowns when Mama is reading, eating or having sex.

10. 7 Hours of Sleep

Now the parents out there are really getting a kick out of this list. I admit I'm lucky when it comes to this. Except for the occasional night, Robby sleeps through the night. He goes to bed around 7 to 7:30 and sleeps until 6 or 7. (Except the last three mornings when he's gotten up around 5.) If I can't manage 7 hours in there, I blame myself.

When I tried to revise the list for my life today I found that it pretty much stayed the same. Except for the reading. That needs to go on another list - for now. The needs I was trying to meet when I originally wrote the list are the same today as they were all the years ago. To me, that's a sign of something worth keeping. When I first made the list I remember how good I felt at the end of the day. Just being aware of these needs was powerful for me. When I'd go to bed each night I would review all that I'd accomplished that day and feel like it was a day well spent. I miss that feeling. Lately when I do this all my accomplishments have been either housework or moneymaking-work. Yes, true they are things that have to be done. Still, I ask myself why I have been placing more value on the laundry than my needs. (There's a question from a post-it-note, Devon!)

I'm making a new Scrub List this week! Stay tuned.

Photo Opp

The dimple was in all of its glory Easter morning!

77 Days

Spring sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the sunshine, flowers blooming and getting to finally go “ow-sigh” as Robby puts it. It’s just that I can look back on my life and just about everything horrible thing that ever happened to me happened in the spring. I am an autumn person. I was born in November and good things happen to me in the fall. Related? I don’t know if my astrological sign has anything to do with it or not. How about your life? Are a summer baby and tragedy happens in the winter?

So far this spring I’ve had a process server at my door, have had so much congestion that I haven’t heard out of my right ear for going on 2 months, had major problems with my marriage and struggled with how to support a friend with cancer. How’s your spring going? Did I mention that when we drain the bathtub water leaks from the garage ceiling?

No one likes to hear about other people’s problems. I do not want to be the person you avoid because you really don’t want to hear about their latest tragedy. Everyone has problems. I know that my problems don’t compare to health problems, being homeless, having your house burn down or coping with a loved one’s death. I know. Robby is healthy, thriving and happy. Things could be a lot worse. I know. But despite all of that my problems are MY problems. They affect the daily quality of my life and the lives of those around me.

Attitude you say? Well, I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work in the spring for me. Normally, when life gets a little overwhelming and I get caught up in little mundane nuisances I will try to change my outlook. Service to others is one. If I get involved and help someone else, I find I am not so caught up in my own stuff and the good feeling of helping someone else is just the shot in the arm I need to move forward in my own life. This especially works if I think that the other person’s problems are much worse than mine. Then I get a bonus dose of gratitude as well. Accentuating the positive is always good when the “bluckys” strike as well. It’s hard for me to fake happiness though. So, when my nose is really up against “the wall” accentuating the positive only serves to piss me off more.
So what’s a girl to do? I’m doing the best I can at any given moment throughout the day. Oh, and counting the days until summer officially starts.

Detour

I wanted to share an amazing post I read the other day. It really got me thinking, which everyone knows is a dangerous thing. I was really struck by the line "Elation and sorrow live in the exact same place."

Check it out! http://lesbiandad.net/2007/03/29/sandbox-paradox/

Maybe if I keep reading the thought provoking posts of others I will be inspired to write.
Keep checking back to see please. Don't give up on me yet.

Paying It Forward

We've been living in this house for 5 years to the day. I remember because that's the day my father died. I'd spent a week at the VA Hospital in Arizona and flew home the night he died. I know he waited for me to leave. My dad was like that; always wanting to do things his way. I'd like to think he did it out of love a little too. Like maybe he didn't want me to have to go through it the way he had to go through everyone in his life dying. When my dad was 6 weeks old his mother died of pneumonia. He never even knew her. When he was 14 his father died and basically he was on his own. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for him.

Robby wasn't born until my dad had been dead for over 3 years. He never got to see how amazingly perfect his grandson is. Robby is named for two grandfathers he never knew; two very different men. ThePapa's father was Robert and he left even before I got to meet him. We always knew we'd name him Robert if we were ever lucky enough to have him. It wasn't until I was quite pregnant that the desire appeared to name him after my father. I felt the need to somehow keep my father going. I was the only family my dad had left when he died. It seemed so sad that after I was gone, no one would be left to carry all the love he shared with me.

Today, 5 years down the road, I can sometimes see my father when I look at Robby. I see the lanky cowboy frame, the tender loving eyes and God help us all I see that determined look that lets everyone within 5 feet know how serious he is about getting what he wants. Can you see him from where you are dad? I hope so. I want you to see that all the love you gave me didn't go to waste. In the long run, I was paying attention to your heart more than your actions. If it wasn't for you, dad, there wouldn't be a Robert Charles. I miss you still.