We're Starting Up a Brand New Day

Today, I will marry the man I love more than life...for the second time. Having looked at life without him I have found the one reason that makes all of the pain, all the tears shed and all of the voices that cry "don't" seem diminished. I am following my heart and choosing to live a life full of all the love I can stand. It's a leap of faith and those I have taken in the past have made me stronger and more whole. I don't want to spend my life in a bubble.

I want more than just a dream to tell.

Your thoughts, prayers, friendship, happiness and love are welcome to join us in this...

Brand New Day

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair?
And how many times did you swear
That you'd never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights?
How many lies, how many fights?
And why would you want to
Put yourself through all of that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way of
Paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
Or you could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile you've been thinking of all day?

Why don't we turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she'll take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, sister
You'll never know how much I missed her
I'm starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
We're starting up a brand new day

It could happen to you,
Just like it happened to me,
There's simply no immunity
There's no guarantee.
I say love's such a force if you find yourself in it
You need some time for reflection
You say, baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, Mac
I'm begging her to take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero buddy
Don't wanna be no fuddy duddy
Started up a brand new day

I'm the rhythm in your tune
I'm the sun and you're the moon
I'm the bat and you're the cave
You're the beach and I'm the wave
I'm the plow and you're the land
You're the glove and I'm the hand
I'm the train and you're the station
I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

I'm the present to your future
You're the wound and I'm the suture
You're the magnet to my pole
I'm the devil in your soul
You're the pupil I'm the teacher
You're the church and I'm the preacher
You're the flower I'm the rain
You're the tunnel I'm the train

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

You're the crop to my rotation
You're the sum of my equation
I'm the answer to your question
If you follow my suggestion
We can turn this ship around
We'll go up instead of down
You're the pan and I'm the handle
You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
We're starting up a brand new day
- Sting

Circle Each Other in a Cage

The Papa and I got married 7 years ago today. The last few years were not like we envisioned on our wedding day, but as a good friend said, they led us to where we are now...

Happy

Some need gold and some need diamond rings
Or a drug to take away the pain that living brings
A promise of a better world to come
When whatever here is done
I don't need that sky of blue
All I know's since I found you, I'm happy when
I'm in your arms
Happy, darling, come the dark
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

There's a house upon a distant hill
Where you can hear the laughter of children ring
Guardian angels, they watch from above
Watching over the love that they bring
But at night I feel the darkness near, I awake and
I find you near
I'm happy with you in my arms
I'm happy with you in my heart
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in love like this

In a world of doubt and fear
I wake at night and reach to find you near
Lost in a dream, you caught me as I fell
I want more than just a dream to tell

We're born in this world, darling, with few days
and trouble never far behind
Man and woman circle each other in a cage
A cage that's been handed down the line
Lost and running 'neath a million dead stars
Tonight let's shed our skin and slip these bars
Happy in each other's arms
Happy baby, come the dark
Happy in each other's kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

- Bruce Springsteen

Catching Up

Hi there. Yeah, I took a few months off and threw a surprise blog at you that had absolutely zero personal content whatsoever. Forgive me?

A lot has changed in my life since June. In no particular order:

• Robby started pooping in the potty! It only took 3 years 1 month and 12 days for it to click with him that the toilet was the best place to put his crap.
• My little brother, Uncle Mike, got married in Las Vegas. I made a 5 day trip there to help celebrate and had the best time I can remember having since last October.
• The Papa and I decided to reconcile and give the whole couple thing another shot. This is by far the biggest news and most important to me. It's also probably why there have been no posts for so long. Writing my thoughts on this subject was something I wasn't comfortable with on this blog. Maybe I needed a cave for that.
• My grandmother, The Nanny, visited and spent 5 days of her time here in the hospital. She has since gone home to Arizona and spent another week or so in the hospital there. Along with her heart problems, it appears some dementia has developed.
• Robby turned 3!

I'm sure there are many others, but these are the highlights of what you've missed. I plan on writing about each event over the next week. So, fasten those seat belts and hang on for details on the wild ride that is my life. I can tell you now that my life feels whole. I am happy for the first time in a very long time!

The Devil and Miss Jones

My Life:

AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK

March? When was that? Oh! I remember March!

St. Patrick's Day! Easter! Devon! BRUCE sang She's the One!

And I got sick! Again! I think the last round of antibiotics really worked. Poor Devon had a to take a shuttle to the airport, I was so sick. Luckily, I have very understanding and self reliant friends in my life.

Mom came and then spent yet another night in the hospital while visiting! She is not coming again without a clean EKG. It was fun with Robby in the ER. For about an hour, he decided he wanted to be a doctor. It was a nice break from his dreams of the fire department.

The light bulb has finally been lit in the portion of Robby's brain that tells him when he has "to go". After 7 months of sitting on the potty and saying, "Maybe next time?" he has finally began to actually use his time sitting there. Two days this week I was sprayed before I even got my morning coffee. Now that, my friends, is motherhood.

It has taken so much self restraint on my part to keep from picking up the camera/camcorder and capturing these moments for posterity. Robby stands in front of the toilet Ala Titanic

and squeezes as hard as he can and then shudders to make things happen. I swear if I made a video of the scene, Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" would be the music. I still may break down and do it. It would be nice to have this video to look at when I'm 80 and all alone. Or maybe when Robby's 16 and feeling rather "too hip". I'm sure too hip is not at all hip today and it won't even be understood 14 years from now. Oh well. I amuse myself anyway.

The promise of spring has once again appeared this afternoon. I'm not sure I really buy it this time, but I plan on going outside and enjoying it while it lasts.

That last sentence sums up the month of March.

The Nexus

Acceptance. That was my New Year's wish and what I ask God for every night before I go to sleep. It hasn't come yet. I know I am an impatient person. I'm a real instant gratification kind of a gal. I have a feeling acceptance isn't something that you can see happening. Maybe you just wake up one morning and realize you've got it?

Why is acceptance so vital for me to have? It's Wednesday. The Papa sees Robby every Wednesday. I see The Papa every Wednesday. Don't get me wrong, the other 6 days of the week all cry for acceptance too but Wednesday is the day that screams the loudest. If I have acceptance, every thing he does not say, does not feel will not be a burning needle piercing my chest. Tonight, he made a reference to miniature golf and one of our first dates.* Although I acted like it was a normal topic, (and aren't I all grown up and sophisticated for being able to discuss this, by the way, thank you) it had the most abnormal emotional undertone screaming through my stomach. I wanted to scream, "How can you even think about a time when we were so happy and not be absolutely frantic and devastated about what we gave up?"
*Please understand Gentle Reader, that what I speak of here is of no fault of The Papa. He doesn't do anything to make me feel the way I do. I alone own my reactions and feelings, and they are the only monsters here.

What do I need to accept? That he is over us? That he isn't in love with me anymore? That he feels okay about walking away? I have to accept these things because they are not mine; they are his. Or maybe what I need to accept is that he is not going to be by my side (no matter who's choice that is) and I can still create a life I want to live. The life I have now is not what I thought I would have. Most days, I don't even know how I got to this place where I come home and the one I was going to share my life with is gone. How the hell did this happen? I'm so angry that's what's happened. Maybe the acceptance can't move in until the anger moves out.

It occurred to me driving home that maybe I was not getting acceptance because I didn't want to accept them. I don't want them. I choose option e) none of the above. I thought about that for a minute and realized that was the whole reason for wanting the all allusive acceptance. It's a loop. I'm the Dr. Soran of divorce and by God I can get back in the Nexus; or die trying.

I know in my head that I can create a life that is fun, enriching and worthwhile. I know I have a lot to bring to a new relationship. I know I will strive to be an amazing mother every day for the rest of my life. Knowing these things and not feeling them in my heart is the problem. The heart wants what it wants and to hell with all the other body parts. I guess that's where the saying "your heart isn't in it" came from. I want my heart to be in my life again.

For that, I need acceptance.

Something

After taking every detour
Gettin' lost and losing track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back

After drivin' out the memory
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far

And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

-Hugh Prestwood The Song Remembers When

August 1, 2007

Dear Robby,

This isn’t a birthday letter. It’s probably one the hardest I’ll ever have to write.
Tomorrow, your Papa and I are getting divorced.

I know you’re only two and don’t understand what is happening completely. I’m actually very grateful for that. I know one day you will want to know why. Maybe this letter will help, although I don’t think anyone really ever knows all the parts that created the “why”.

The craziest part of all of this is that your father and I still love each other very much. I will never stop loving your father. Half of what you are is him; so how could I ever stop loving him? When I look at you I can see parts of him in your looks and your personality. I always smile when I notice these traits in you. Your father and I have been hurting for a long while now. We’ve both tried everything possible to make this marriage work. We just couldn’t do it. I guess that sometimes love isn’t enough to make everything all right. If it was, this letter would never be written.

I want you to know that you were brought into this world with so much love, passion and excitement. You were created out of the love your Papa and I have for each other. I don’t think either one of us will ever regret our marriage. Not only because of you, but because it was a very special love. If I can say this now when I feel like I am going to choke on all the sadness in my heart, I know I will be able to say it forever.

People grow and change. Dreams change, expectations change and lives change. Looking back, I wish that I had seen some warning signs that we were drifting apart in what we wanted. It’s like one day I looked up and realized that we didn’t want the same things out of life. No amount of nagging or begging could ever change that. How can you change another person? You can’t. You can only love and respect them for who they are. I can do that with your father; I just can’t do it as his partner in life anymore. So, if you one day feel like you need to be angry at or blame one of us for divorcing, you’re just going to have to blame us both. There is no right and wrong involved. It isn’t black and white. We’ve both done right and we’ve both done wrong. Your father and I both want the best for you out of life. That will never stop or change. I want us to be able to want the best out of life for each other as well. It’s just hard to know that you aren’t the best choice for the one you love. No matter how much you want to be the best choice.

I am fighting the urge to apologize to you for all of this happening. I am sorry that you will not remember how it was when Mama and Papa lived together with you. You won’t remember the laughter we shared or the joy in our eyes when we looked at you. Please know that it once was there. I guess that’s the trade off for you not remembering the sadness in our eyes today.

I want it to be completely clear to you that in no way were you the cause of this happening. You have absolutely nothing to do with any problems your father and I have. I repeat: you are not the reason we are getting a divorce. Never think that, okay? You can always come to either one of us and ask or talk about anything; even this. Our first and foremost thought in all of this has not been who gets what book or dish. It has been making sure that you are taken care of in the best possible way. You are the most important thing to both of us. The love a person has for their child is a different love than any other. It’s more special than any other. That love can never falter. It can only grow and amaze you for your capacity to love. I don’t know everything, but this I know for sure. I wake up more amazed every single day.

Love,
Mama