Coming Around Again

I have not posted in 6 months! How did this happen? I blame a WET spring, LOST, one of the best Survivor seasons ever, moving my mother TWICE and a general laziness on my part.

Mom and I took Robby fishing this past weekend for the first time. It was free fishing weekend in Oregon and we went to the Bonneville Dam Fish Hatchery. They hosted a fishing clinic on Saturday. Kids got to fish for free. Robby had to go to seven stations to learn all about fish, water safety and taking care of the watershed. The kids four and under got to fish in the big bins and the kids five and older got to fish in their stock ponds. Robby got two rainbow trout and was so excited you could actual feel it in the air around you.

Yeah, I caught two fish, Mama. I'm super cool!

He was so proud too!

I was amazed once again at the parents I saw. Twice Robby was pushed by an adult so that they could get in front of him. It reminded me of the Easter Egg Hunt a few years ago where all the adults rushed out to "help" their kids find eggs. Adults were grabbing eggs with two hands and most of the kids (including mine) didn't get to pick up one single egg and put it in their basket. Aren't these things supposed to be about the kids having fun? I don't get it. Those fish were not going anywhere. A grown man who pushes a four year old boy out of the way so he can see a trout before him deserves to be punched in the face. Period.

I remember catching my first fish. I caught four catfish! My great grandfather was there, as well as my grandparents. It was just outside of Parks, Arizona where my grandparents had an acre of land where we would spent our weekends escaping the heat of Phoenix. My grandma got an old curtain rod and hung them out on it so I could hold those four catfish up for a picture. I can still see that picture in my mind. I was wearing a striped shirt and I didn't wear glasses yet. My hair back in a ponytail. I remember how my grandmother looked taking that picture. She told me once to be still and NOT MOVE while she was taking my picture or she would CUT MY HEAD OFF. She meant cut my head off in the picture, but I took her literally. She never took one single blurry picture of me in my life as a result of that.

Robby got to share catching his first fish with his grandma just like I did. That should fill my heart with a sense of happiness and wonder at the circle of life. It does fill my heart - almost completely. I admit, part of the day I spent reflecting on how my grandmother missed this moment. She missed it not because she is dead, but because she has chosen to miss it. I tell that little girl inside me she missed it because she is sick. Dementia is so cruel not only to those whose brain it consumes but to the people around them who lose them and are robbed of those last years together. I tried to stay in the moment and be grateful that I got to spend the day with my son and my mother, but that little girl with the ponytail kept thinking about how her Nanny should be here to see this too.

Something Big Was Gone

My friend lost her father last week, after an unexpected and cruel illness. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding, raised one hell of a woman and always made me laugh. I will miss him and I know he's somewhere causing trouble and getting a lot of laughs. I hope I can get my friend to come play on the swing set soon.

They say you can't take it with you, but I think that they're wrong

'Cause all I know is I woke up this morning, and something big was gone

Gone into that dark ether where you're still young and hard and cold.

Just like when they built you, brother, they broke the mold

- Springsteen

Rest in Peace, El Greato.

Little House on the Cul De Sac

Last Sunday we went to the Mt. View Orchard in Hood River, Oregon. We decided to pick us some apples and pears and can them. It was a beautiful drive with all the fall colors out in full force. The Columbia Gorge is amazing anytime of the year and something you really should see if you are in the area.
Mt. View Orchard and Fruit Stand is an amazing place. The owners are nice and helpful. You can pick your own fruit or just fill up boxes from the what seems like hundreds of bins already packed with picked fruit. I never knew there were so many varieties of apples and pears!

Robby insisted we pick our own, so we were off to the orchard. There were plenty of trees with apples low enough for him to reach.

They had a mini play area for the kids, but wouldn't let us take the John Deere out to the orchard.
It didn't matter, we had a wagon, a box and a little four year old who was as excited as I've seen him.

We moved from tree to tree and got at least four different varieties of apples into our box.

We hauled our apples back to the stand to pay for all thirty four pounds of apples! We also got about ten pounds of pears when we saw a jar of pear butter for sale at the fruit stand. We've made apple butter before so pear butter sounded like a good idea as well.

We started peeling, coring and slicing 34 pounds of apples. After an hour of doing this, it became apparent we would need a very large container to hold them all and allow them to soak all night.
We pored the 10 cups we had so far into a large plastic storage bin.


And then we cut some more. And then we got out the peeler/corer/slicer we borrowed from one of Grandma's co-workers (Thanks Sandy!). This made things a lot faster and made a huge mess!
Robby loved cranking the handle for about three of the apples and then grew bored with the whole process.

Finally we had all thirty four pounds of apples sliced and in the bin. We added sugar, stirred and let them sit covered overnight to soak in their own juice.



It was a really great feeling to finally see the empty box three hours later!

Robby helped for a while and then entertained us by showing us how he could put puzzles together on the kitchen floor. Firetrucks are a lot cooler than apples and canning.

The next day we (mostly The Grandma) got the apples and juice into 20 quart jars and hot bathed them into a beautiful sight.

We have done this in the past and we just love how we can take a jar of these out at any time of the year and make an apple pie using "fresh" sweet apples. I've never tasted a better apple pie than the ones that come from using these canned apples.

Next came the pears! We peeled, cored and chopped all them by hand this time. It went pretty quick compared to the apples. We put the chopped pears into the food processor and pureed them into pear sauce.

When we filled up our crock pot and still had pears left over, it was time to go knocking on the neighbor's door to borrow a crock pot. Living on a cul de sac is great for knowing your neighbors. Most of the time.
Thanks to my neighbor we had two crock pots to finish. We added cinnamon and sugar (only a cup and a half per crock pot!) and let them bubble all night. I visited Ree's site to get recipe ideas on how to make this amazing pear butter. She just finished her first cookbook and I can't wait to get one!

I have to admit the best part of making pear butter is how it makes your whole house smell delicious.

The next morning the butter was reduced by half and ready to go into jars. We got a total of 12 half pint (8 oz.) jars.

Four of the jars were shorter and wider and were so cute The Grandma couldn't resist buying them and paying $1 each for the jars. Money well spent if you ask me!

Now the job at hand is not eating all of these ourselves and saving some to give as presents this holiday season!

The Family We Get to Choose

Robby has been lost at preschool for the last week and a half. Every morning he gets to the steps and scans the playground looking for his best-est friend, Emma. When he discovers she's not there, he slowly descends the steps and half-heartedly heads off to play. Emma's grandmother died and she has been home grieving with her family. When it happened, the teacher told us parents, but not the kids. Two days ago, I had to break down and tell Robby what had happened and why Emma was not in school. We were driving home from school and Robby asked me, "Why do people die? Do kids die too?". Naturally, I assumed they had mentioned it in school that day.

Such tough questions coming from his little four year old brain. I knew I didn't want to lie to him and so I told him that yes, sometimes kids die too. I told him that every living thing will one day die. In the past, I've told him way too much information and all he wants is specific direct answers. He asked, "Who am I going to live with when you and Papa die?". I told him that by the time we died he would already be living with his own wife and children and not with us. He seemed to grasp that. I also told him that I thought that even if a person has died and you cannot see them or touch them anymore a part of them will always be with you in your mind and heart. Then he said that was why we included the "those I never knew" in his nightly prayer. So that Grandpa Charlie (my dad) and Peepaw (John's dad) would stay in our hearts. "Exactly.", I said.

He hasn't asked any more about death since that afternoon. When we got to school this morning he scanned the children running around the playground, as he has every day since she has been gone. At the very moment he spotted her running toward him with her long brown hair flying behind her I could actually feel his heart leap from his chest. They hugged and ran off chasing each other and laughing. They didn't say one word to each other, but I could see that each child was getting exactly what they needed from the other.

I am blessed to know this kind of friendship three-fold in my life. I am ever so grateful that Robby knows it too and at such a young age. There are many sayings about friendship but the one that has always stuck with me is this one; Friends are the family you get to choose.

My dear friend is flying to Chicago today to say goodbye to her dying father. Even though we don't get to play with each other five days a week anymore, our friendship, at its core, is a lot like Robby and Emma's. I know that when I do get see my friend, my heart will leap at seeing her and getting to hug and comfort her. Because we are adults, she knows that I am here for her and I know that she will make it through this tough chapter in her life. But oh, how my heart aches with longing for that shared hug. I wish I could sweep her up, hug her and run off to the swing set with her and make it all okay.

Big Elephants

We went to see a special behind the scenes zoo class this morning called Big Elephants. Thanks to The Nanny, we are members of the Oregon Zoo and got a chance to enroll in this special two hour class. After a late night of fireworks and BBQ at Uncle Mike's house we got up early and made it to the class by 9:30am.

Robby even told them how to spell his name for his name tag.

As soon as all the kids arrived we set off to go see the elephants. The star of the show was Sam, the baby elephant born at the zoo last August. Sam is already well over 1,000 pounds! It was a hot day so the elephants were getting some water and having some fun cooling off.

The instructor told us all about how elephants use their trunks for many things. They can pick up a toothpick or an entire tree with their trunk. Robby had The Papa to lift him up for a better view.

After seeing the elephants and holding real elephant bones, we went back to class to hear a few stories about elephants and have a snack.

Then we had some art time and made a few projects to take home.




Elephant with green spiral noodles.






Robby painted a YELLOW elephant mask. Yellow is his favorite color.

Then the kids got to sing a few songs about elephants and pretend they had trunks.

After class we grabbed some lunch and headed out to see the other animals at the zoo. The Sea Lions are always a favorite. They swim right next to the glass.

This is always so cool! The Seal Lions are pretty big!

We even said hello to our old friends the Penguins.

A good day for sure, even though we were all still worn out from the Fourth of July celebration.

I spent many years dreaming of a day just like today.

I am such a lucky woman.

The Next Chapter

The Grandma has arrived from Arizona and is here to stay! Hoo-ray!



Right this minute, she and Robby are out in the backyard playing in the water, as it is 95 degrees here today. I have free time! What do I do with it besides work? Blog.



The Grandma will be staying with us and Uncle Mike both until she finds a new home of her own here. I think this will work out well, since once she is tired of one of her kids, she can go bother the other one for a while. (Just kidding, Mom.)



And so, this marks the end of a chapter in in her life and the start of the next one. The last chapter didn't end well. Here's hoping for a fresh new start with lots of love, old and new friendships and prosperity.



I'd write more - but a client just called. See? What spare time.

Moving On

We moved Robby to a new daycare last week. He was showing some signs of stress and suddenly did not want to go to school in the morning. At fifteen, this would be normal, but at four it warranted looking into. It turns out that several factors were causing him problems. First and foremost was another kid in his class. Since it was a Lutheran daycare, they modeled Christ and did not turn anyone away. A very noble stand that allows kids kicked out of every other daycare in town a place to call home and create havoc.

At the risk of sounding like a snob, these kids are not acceptable company for my kid all day.

I feel bad for the little boy in his class that hits teachers in the face (other kids too when he can), bites and screams, "Fuck you, I hate you" at anyone who stands between him and what he wants. I disagree with their policy of letting in all children and not kicking anyone out (if they pay). Spock had it right when he said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few - or the one.

There was also a teacher in the daycare who was full of so much drama that it made me look like a wallflower. She loves Robby fiercely and for almost three years looked after him. In the end though, she seemed like a dysfunctional aunt watching him and not a paid professional. It was a gut wrenching decision for me to move him. The Papa had no problem with it. That's because he is a Vulcan, like Spock, and could could see the sense in moving Robby long before I could.

We are all LOVING the new daycare, so far. The "teachers" are really teachers with degrees and education and training in child development. They let the kids play outside a lot in their massive outdoor area, which is something the other facility lacked. They provide lunch so we don't have to pack a lunch every morning. I have to say the best thing about the new daycare is that they have a web cam in all the classrooms and the playground. Parents can log on and watch their little angel nap, or in Robby's case, roll around on his mat and wiggle for two and a half hours. I've spent many minutes just watching him in the past week. It's reassuring to see him during the day and know what he is doing. We may not have to get his GPS chip installed for a few more years now.

Got Your Number

I have not spoken to The Nanny since early November, when I begged her to call off the lawsuit she filed against The Grandma. I told her we could not talk if there was a lawsuit, as my mom's health was unstable at that point and I might have to take over her affairs. She didn't call it off.

She didn't call for my birthday. She didn't call at Thanksgiving. She didn't call at Christmas. She didn't call when she got my Christmas card with the picture of Robby on Santa's lap. She didn't call when she moved to another state. She didn't call when she turned off her phone and got another number. She didn't call with her new address. She didn't call.

Last week I got her number. I didn't call.

I'm really torn on this one. I know she is suffering from sort form of dementia, but that doesn't make it any easier to understand. I heard from lawyer to lawyer that she never wants to hear from me again. Why? I don't know. I want to hear it from her if she doesn't want me (or Robby) in her life. Just when I convince myself to dial her number, the fear of hearing her say just that stops me.

I know I have to call...eventually.

Uncle Wiggly

When Robby was born, The Grandma brought some books for the nursery that used to belong to Uncle Mike. Tonight, I pulled an old favorite off the shelf for the first time.

Tonight I read the first chapter of Uncle Wiggly's Happy Days to Robby. When I got to the end of the first chapter, I could remember so vividly reading this story to another 3 year old, even
though that was 25 years ago. This was my little brother, Uncle Mike's, favorite book as a kid.
He must of heard it 1,000 times. He would literally beg to hear this story. I text ed Uncle Mike the last paragraph after Robby was asleep, thinking he'd get a kick out of it.

"Oh dear me! There is no room in this chapter to tell you what happened all of a sudden. But I will tell you in the next chapter if the egg beater will help the can opener to take the olives out of the gold fish bowl and make a chocolate cake for the canary bird."

All those readings, for nothing. He couldn't place it. Even though he used to laugh at this part. Laugh almost as hard as Robby laughed tonight. Oh well, so much for little minds being a sponge. At least he remembers someone was always there to read to him and give him a good night kiss. I guess that is what counts the most after all. Right?

Everything's Eventual

I won't watch a horror movie. I saw Nightmare on Elm Street in high school. I didn't sleep for a week. Five years ago, I caught Mel Gibson's face on HBO and watched Signs even though I was home alone. At night. Alone. My distaste for horror movies grew when I had Robby. My maternal hormones do not get along with all that adrenaline. Last year, my zombie loving brother conned me into watching 28 Weeks Later one afternoon. Although I never saw 28 Days Later I was hooked on this sequel's story line. I did have to forward through some scenes he deemed as "ultra gory". I've never even seen Scream and everyone tells me that is not really a scary movie. (I know for a fact Drew Barrymore gets offed in the opening scene. No thanks!)
Despite this, I still claim Stephen King as my favorite author.

I haven't read a Stephen King book since March of 2002. Up until then, I had read almost all of his books and couldn't wait for the next one to be released. My favorite has to be the introduction he wrote to Night Shift. (Oh Stevie, you had me at "Let's talk about fear, you and I.") When I read Pet Sematary in high school, the nightmares lasted more than a week. My AP English teacher even talked about her nightmares from that book. Lately, I've read several of his Pop of King contributions to Entertainment Weekly and enjoyed every single one. Even though I haven't read any, I've purchased new hardcover releases over the years. I've gotten a few as gifts, including the latest Just After Sunset.

In March of 2002, Everything's Eventual was released and I bought a copy right away. Like Night Shift and Just After Sunset it is a collection of short stories. I purchased my copy in Phoenix. I had been there to say goodbye to my dying father. Being a stubborn man, he refused to die the week I was in town. (I truly believe he waited for me to leave to die - out of love.) I purchased the book and planned to start reading it on the 2 1/2 hour flight home. I can see the book on the shelf from where I am sitting now. I know that on page 29, there is my boarding pass from March 25, 2002. While reading the first story Autopsy Room Four I was overcome with grief and put the book down. I knew I had just said goodbye to my dad for the last time. I could not read a story about a man who was alive, yet mistaken for dead undergoing his own autopsy. My dad died that night, when I was safe and at home.

King said: "What I did was take all the spades out of a deck of cards plus a joker.
Ace to King = 1-13. Joker = 14. I shuffled the cards and dealt them. The order in which they came out became the order of the stories, based on their position in the list my publisher sent me. And it actually created a very nice balance between the literary stories and the all-out screamers. Next collection: selected by Tarot."

I wonder if it would have changed things for me if Autopsy Room Four had drawn the Jack and not the Ace.

I've had serious thoughts about reading Just After Sunset. I even put it on top of the television in the bedroom. Maybe it's been enough time and the grief will be bearable and the memory of that flight a little faded. Maybe the Tarot cards will work in my favor.

Fighting Hate

National Protest Against Prop 8 [and for LGBT civil rights]
Saturday, November 15, in the times and places noted above

find your nearest locale here

Circle Each Other in a Cage

The Papa and I got married 7 years ago today. The last few years were not like we envisioned on our wedding day, but as a good friend said, they led us to where we are now...

Happy

Some need gold and some need diamond rings
Or a drug to take away the pain that living brings
A promise of a better world to come
When whatever here is done
I don't need that sky of blue
All I know's since I found you, I'm happy when
I'm in your arms
Happy, darling, come the dark
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

There's a house upon a distant hill
Where you can hear the laughter of children ring
Guardian angels, they watch from above
Watching over the love that they bring
But at night I feel the darkness near, I awake and
I find you near
I'm happy with you in my arms
I'm happy with you in my heart
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in love like this

In a world of doubt and fear
I wake at night and reach to find you near
Lost in a dream, you caught me as I fell
I want more than just a dream to tell

We're born in this world, darling, with few days
and trouble never far behind
Man and woman circle each other in a cage
A cage that's been handed down the line
Lost and running 'neath a million dead stars
Tonight let's shed our skin and slip these bars
Happy in each other's arms
Happy baby, come the dark
Happy in each other's kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

- Bruce Springsteen

Some Things are Meant to Be

Wedding Day! It was a beautiful sunny day in Las Vegas, although you couldn't really see the sun inside the chapel at the Treasure Island Casino. I arrived at the chapel with "the ladies" in tow just in time. It was much easier corralling drunks the night before than getting these four to the chapel on time! The grandma looked absolutely beautiful, especially for someone 6 weeks post quadruple bypass surgery. We found where the glowing bride to be was hiding in a room with squealing women primping her every part. We kissed her and wished her well and then were off to find the groom.

He was standing there all decked out in his suit and looked not only like a million bucks, but a grown man. Seeing mom give him a hug and whisper in his ear was the first time I would cry that day. We were all seated in the chapel. Auntie LJ and Lori took the back pew, so as not to distract with their camera clicking and giggling. The Grandma, Nanny and I were joined in the front pew with Uncle Mike's Dad, Jim, and his wife, Nancy.

When the bride made her entrance into the chapel, every single person could see not only how amazingly beautiful she looked, but how much joy and love was filling her heart. I looked up at my brother standing there waiting for her and watching her. That was the happiest I have ever seen him look.

Elvis sang us a song. The preacher then stepped up and performed the most elegant yet real wedding ceremony that there ever was. Elvis sang again. When the preacher pronounced them husband and wife, Aunt Jeannette said, "We're married!" and everyone laughed through their tears. As they walked out of the chapel, Elvis sang Viva Las Vegas and the song fit the mood of celebration.

After everyone had filed out of the chapel and the happy couple were whisked away for pictures, I stopped to thank Elvis for doing such a great job. He said, "Thank you, thank you very much." and leaned in and kissed me. When Elvis slipped me the tongue, I knew my Vegas vacation had reached its peak. There would be no topping this.

Out in the lobby of the chapel, I noticed a cricket up near the ceiling in the corner. I was always told that a cricket in the house is lucky. Seeing this good omen on my brother's wedding day made me smile, but in my heart I knew that he and his wife needed none of this luck. Some people are just born to find each other and love one another all the remaining days of their lives. I thank God that they did, and they will.




You can see more photos here.

Instant Gratification

In June, I flew to sunny Las Vegas, Nevada for a whopping 4 days of no almost 3 year-old, no work and no responsibility. It was the best 4 days I have had in a LONG time!

My little brother, Uncle Mike was finally going to marry his sweetheart of more years than I can remember. My new little sister's name is Aunt Jeannette. I'm so glad the Aunt part is official now. Robby loves her so much and literally lights up when he sees her. When we drive by the exit to their house on the freeway, he refers to it as how to get to Aunt Jeannette's house.

I flew out on a Wednesday night flight with Mike, Jeannette and their friend KEN! KEN! works with Mike and has lived in Las Vegas before, so I was looking forward to having an official tour guide of Sin City. I'm a desert girl, born and raised but every time I land in the desert I cannot help but remember why I decided to relocate to the green and cool pacific northwest. The moment they opened the door on the airplane I could feel all the moisture being sucked out of my body. But hey, this is VEGAS BABY and I didn't care if it was hot enough to fry eggs on the tarmac at 10pm!

We got in a rental car and headed straight for an In N Out Burger. If you've never been to one, you need to put it on your list of things to do before you die. I had a Double Double and an Animal Style Double Double. Animal style has mustard and pickles. That's right, 4 patties and 4 pieces of cheese in one sitting. I felt it was appropriate to start the "days of instant gratification" off with a bang. We then found the house they had rented for their stay. It was a great 2 story house with a pool and a hot tub. The plan was to have the wedding party stay in the house in the extra bedrooms and then they would have the house to themselves a few days after everyone left for their honeymoon. Aunt Mitch's mom has a time share at the Wyndham Grand Desert Resort and had graciously arranged two suites for me to use while I was in Vegas. I couldn't check in until the following afternoon, so I stayed in the house the first night. We put our suitcases away, checked the house out and went swimming! I love to swim at night. It has many advantages, like the darkness to disguise how my body looks in a swimsuit and no scorching sun to burn my extremely white body.

While we were all in the pool, I asked if we were going to the casino next. It was around midnight and I was really only joking. Everyone was excited to go, so I thought if I could stay up this late already why not a little longer. I cannot believe how much my life has changed since Robby. Staying up to midnight was never an oddity in my previous life! So, our beloved tour guide KEN! suggested we hit Sunset Station in nearby Henderson.

Now, I had managed to scrape together $200 whole dollars for my 4 day trip to Las Vegas. This had to cover food, taxis, libations and gambling. Yet, the very first night, I plopped $20 into a quarter slot machine. I played a few pulls and won some, lost some. I cashed out. I really miss the sound of the money dropping out of a slot machine. Now the machines just spit out a voucher with the amount of your winnings. I took my $10 voucher and started walking the casino. I put my $10 voucher in a $1 slot machine. A few pulls later I had three of the loveliest sevens I'd ever seen! $300! I cashed out and ran like a goat. That $300 saved my trip! I guess there is something to a good run of bad luck.

Uncle Mike and KEN! introduced us to the "gaudy" bar at sunset station. If you sit at the bar and play the quarter video poker machines they bring you free booze. A lot of free booze. If you're a slow gambler and a fast drinker, it's the best deal in Vegas you are going to find.

We made it back to the house just in time to sit outside by the pool and watch the sunrise over the desert. Sunrises are something I actually miss about the desert. I went to bed around 6 am and slept until 10am. The bedroom I had for the night had a mechanical metal shade for the window that made the room pitch dark. I'm putting one of those on my Christmas list this year. I had to put my sunglasses on to walk out of the bedroom and go hunt for some coffee in the kitchen.

Thursday we found the place to drop off Jeannette's wedding gown to be steamed for the wedding on Saturday. We checked me into the Wyndham that afternoon. I was pleased to see that the Hard Rock Hotel was walking distance from the Resort. The Wyndham chain has amazing properties! My honeymoon was saved by Wyndham and for that, they will always have my loyalty. After another day of instant gratification, I turned the air conditioner down to 40 and went to bed.

Friday afternoon, The Grandma and Nanny arrived with Auntie LJ and Aunt Lori. Auntie LJ and Aunt Lori flew into Phoenix and they drove The Grandma and Nanny over. The Grandma was 6 weeks post quadruple bypass surgery and not able to drive yet. Nanny and I would share a suite and Grandma, LJ and Lori would share the other.

I was at the New York New York casino with Best Man Diddy and his gal Manda when I got the call they were almost in Vegas. Directing them through town on my cell phone and screaming, "Do you see the statue of liberty? The Lion? The Big GOLD lion? I'm across the street from that!" was a challenge with the traffic whizzing by. They eventually found me and we headed off to the Wyndham. I managed to get food for everyone before I stole their car and picked Jeanette up to go get her dress for the wedding the next day.

On a side note, why do bridal shop people have to create such stress for brides? My Lord! The dress has been here 48 hours. Yes, we need it today. No, we cannot pick it up 20 minutes before the wedding. Do I have to get my handgun out of the car? Oh? It's ready?!?! Imagine that.

After delivering the dress safely to the house, I loaded up Jeannette and 3 of her bridal peeps into the car. We were off to join the guys, who had already begun the last night of single debauchery at a bar I couldn't remember the name of. I just called it Hand-job Joe's all night.
I spent the night playing designated driver and picking up people from the airport and other parts of Vegas to get them to Hand-job Joe's for the party. Mike had brought a GPS system with him on the trip. If I had not had this little box, I never would have made it through the night. Wrangling 8 or so drunks was fun although challenging at times. Mike and Jeannette have some amazing friends so that helped out a lot. I eventually herded everyone home safe to get some sleep before the big day.

Catching Up

Hi there. Yeah, I took a few months off and threw a surprise blog at you that had absolutely zero personal content whatsoever. Forgive me?

A lot has changed in my life since June. In no particular order:

• Robby started pooping in the potty! It only took 3 years 1 month and 12 days for it to click with him that the toilet was the best place to put his crap.
• My little brother, Uncle Mike, got married in Las Vegas. I made a 5 day trip there to help celebrate and had the best time I can remember having since last October.
• The Papa and I decided to reconcile and give the whole couple thing another shot. This is by far the biggest news and most important to me. It's also probably why there have been no posts for so long. Writing my thoughts on this subject was something I wasn't comfortable with on this blog. Maybe I needed a cave for that.
• My grandmother, The Nanny, visited and spent 5 days of her time here in the hospital. She has since gone home to Arizona and spent another week or so in the hospital there. Along with her heart problems, it appears some dementia has developed.
• Robby turned 3!

I'm sure there are many others, but these are the highlights of what you've missed. I plan on writing about each event over the next week. So, fasten those seat belts and hang on for details on the wild ride that is my life. I can tell you now that my life feels whole. I am happy for the first time in a very long time!

He Ain't Heavy

I ran across this picture at The Grandma's house when I was in Arizona. This is me at age 14 holding my new little baby brother, otherwise known as Uncle Mike. Despite looking quite bershon in the picture, I loved my baby brother then almost as much as I do 27 years later.

For various reasons, that won't be blogged about here, I felt a need to protect my brother when he was a baby. Because of this and 14 years separating us, we haven't always had what I'd call the "normal" brother-sister relationship. I think our relationship took a dramatic change while we were in Arizona caring for our mother.

When the heart surgery was over, the doctors told us that mom would have to have someone with her 24/7 for the first two weeks she was out of the hospital. Financially, this was going to put a huge strain on my life. Not to mention the fact that I had already been away from Robby longer than I had ever been. I was already making plans to get Robby to Arizona and make that call to my boss telling him I'd be away for a little while longer. So, it came as a shock when Mike suggested that he be the one to stay and take care of everything. When he first proposed the idea, it seemed ludicrous and not even worth considering. Afterall, I am the one who takes care of everything.

Somewhere in the middle of him stating all the reasons why he should be the one to stay, it hit me that my being the one who takes care of everything is a choice I make over and over again. And if it's a choice, then maybe I did have the option of not being that person this time. Entertaining this idea became a reality when Mike said that he wanted to have this chance to do something, and not always be the one who f*cks up all the time.

In the end, he stayed and I went home. I don't know what happened to that kid who played drums in the garage bands, slept until noon, had twelve W-2's in one year, and always came to me when he had a problem. Somewhere along the way he became the brother that gives me money when I need it, installs a dog door for me, stays calm when I get stressed out and loves my son almost as much as I do. He's getting married later this month and although I'm so very happy for him I can't help but miss the feeling of cradling him in my arms and protecting him from life.

Being his big sister showed me how much I truly wanted to be The Mama someday. I know I do a better job at it because he's in my life. For that alone, I owe my little brother the world.

Battle of the Surgical Stars

I almost made it home.

I said goodbye to the Grandma at the hospital and left for the airport yesterday afternoon. 20 minutes later the phone rang. The Grandma was upset, understandably, as they just told her she would need a pacemaker. I went back to the hospital.

Her heart rate had been dropping to 50 and then jumping up to 160. She was exhausted and said she felt like she was running a race from her hospital bed. Her cardiologist (who looks like Balki from Perfect Strangers) felt that a pacemaker was indicated. He ordered the procedure and instructed the RN to stop food and water until they got the pacemaker in. I haven't had a lot of faith in Balki from the start. It took him 5 months of watching The Grandma sliding downhill after her heart attack to FINALLY get some tests done.

Her cardiovascular surgeon, Dr. V, is an arrogant man who looks like he could have been a hijacker on 9-11. After googling him, I assure you he has a reason to be arrogant and cocky. He is one of the best surgeons in the country it turns out. Dr. V disagreed with Balki and felt it would be rushing things to put a pacemaker in. Dr. V felt that she had post-op stress and they just needed to give it some time and adjust the medication they were giving her. He said she needed to eat, walk and take lots of deep breaths.

Dr. V came into her room yesterday afternoon and asked if she had eaten. The RN told him that Balki had ordered no food or water until the pacemaker procedure. Dr. V simply said, "Give her lunch." in a tone that no one would ever consider doing anything other than what he said.

Now the sign on the hospital door makes sense.



Dr. V won the battle and his opinion turned out to be the right one. The Grandma's heart rate has been steady for over 24 hours now and she looks and feels great. She will move out of ICU tonight and into another room in the hospital.





I am scheduled to fly home tomorrow afternoon.





Thanks again to everyone for their prayers and support.

Leap Of Faith

Heart Surgery is not for wimps. The things The Grandma are going through are just horrible and yet at the same time, I am amazed at how quickly she is bouncing back. She got drainage tubes out yesterday and her color is infinitely better. It looks like she will stay in the ICU at least one more day though. Her heart rate keep fluctuating last night and this morning, although the doctor says this is normal in 80% on the cases he sees.

Being the daughter that normally takes care of everything, it feels strange to tell you that I am flying home tomorrow afternoon. I'm not staying until she gets out of the hospital. I'm not staying to clean her house and shop for healthy food before she gets home. All of these things are going to fall to Uncle Mike, the one who usually runs from anything like this, and he is up for the challenge. I know he will do a great job and that she will be okay. I will try to not cry too much when I say goodbye tomorrow and get on that plane.

Uncle Mike will stay another week until Auntie LJ can get here. She will stay a week and then Auntie Lori will take over for a week. If The Grandma still needs help after that, I will return. It all looks good on paper, but feels like crap to me. I feel like I should be here. Although I am full of gratitude for the two friends my mother has. Once again, I am at a point in my life where I must close my eyes, put my hand on my heart, and take that first step into nothingness and know that I will be okay and land on solid ground.

I am looking forward to going home and seeing Robby! He misses me I'm told, but he cannot miss me more than I miss him. He had a nightmare that Santa Claus stole his wahki (pacifier) a few nights ago. I need to go protect his possessions from that jolly old elf.

Re-Grand Opening

She made it through surgery.

They finally got The Grandma in about 1:30 this afternoon. Five hours and four new valves later, we got the word she was out of surgery. Her surgeon said that it was a complicated and hard surgery but her heart looked good and everything should be okay.

Uncle Mike and I spent the first hour she was in surgery eating lunch and drinking a well earned margarita.

That stuff in the background is blue sky.

We spent the rest of the time in the ICU waiting room. I taught Uncle Mike how to play gin, although we were distracted by another lady in the waiting room who was a chatterbox prayer. Her husband had just come out okay through the same surgery and she had a LOT of nervous energy, poor thing.

We are going back to check on her tonight. She should be awake and hopefully will be off the respirator.

I saw this sign at the grocery store tonight.

I thought it a lot like mom's new lease on life and health.

Hello From Arizona

The Grandma had her angiogram yesterday and called to say that she was being moved to a different hospital and that a quadruple bypass was on the surgical schedule. Uncle Mike and I flew in last night. It's nice to know I can get a call and be on a plane in less than 4 hours. As busy as my life seems and as important as I think I am; I guess it all comes down to priorities. (I was eating a Double Double with grilled onions at 1am.)

Phoenix is my hometown and usually she treats me well. I think she is on her period or something this trip. The plane hit the runway and the pilot literally locked up the brakes. The flight attendant came on the loudspeaker to welcome us to Phoenix and said she hoped this was our final destination. Everyone found it funny once they realized they were not going to die.

In my 4 hours notice, I booked a shuttle from the airport to The Nanny's house. I don't remember paying extra to get a celebrity driver, but low and behold Buck Henry stepped out of the passenger van to take my bag. I am probably showing my age and hopefully someone who reads this will know who Buck Henry is.) I think Mr. Henry had hemorrhoids. He sat in the driver's seat sideways and could not hold the steering wheel or the accelerator still for more than 2 seconds.

The Nanny sleeps with soap under the sheets at the foot of her bed (for leg cramps) and last night I thought there was a snake in the bed with me.

I got to meet the Bacon Nazi in the hospital cafeteria this morning.

It hasn't even been 24 hours and this trip is already memorable.

Robby thinks that The Grandma lives in an airplane now and that's why I got on a plane to go see her. I miss him so much I ache. You'd think I'd get to sleep in or something to make up for the fact that I can't hold him in my arms.

More updates to come.

Thanks to all for the support while I am here and all the thoughts and prayers for my mom.