Typical Morning Conversation

Robby: Dad, there's a spider in the car.

John: Is it a big spider or a little spider?

Robby: If it was a big spider I'd be talking a lot louder.

Spies Like Us

(This adorable picture of Robby all dressed up and ready to go trick-or-treating will hopefully make up for the next picture you will see.)

Every year my brother, Uncle Mike, and his lovely wife Aunt Jeanette throw the most amazing Halloween party. Every year gets better and better and the decorations gets more elaborate every year. This year, the bathroom had an evil clown theme that will give me many nightmares in the coming months. Uncle Mike LOVES zombies. In fact, one of Robby's first words was BRAINS! in a monsterly voice. I knew our costumes had to be worthy of this party because this is the guy who would be hosting:




Again, I apologize. Note the bloody mouth from the blood capsules. Like I said, NIGHTMARES!


I started making costumes for The Papa and I a week before the party. With my schedule, this is serious planning. I paper mache'd and glued myself into a frenzy most nights. I want to go on record right now that black duct taped saved the costumes and my life. Thank you black duct tape!

Can you guess the costume? First the props:




And then...

Next...


Then...


Make this!



SPY VS SPY !!!

John was the black spy and I was the white spy. We had a great time at the party, mostly because it is hard to eat bloody fingers and drink ghoul punch with a big cone on your face.

We're Starting Up a Brand New Day

Today, I will marry the man I love more than life...for the second time. Having looked at life without him I have found the one reason that makes all of the pain, all the tears shed and all of the voices that cry "don't" seem diminished. I am following my heart and choosing to live a life full of all the love I can stand. It's a leap of faith and those I have taken in the past have made me stronger and more whole. I don't want to spend my life in a bubble.

I want more than just a dream to tell.

Your thoughts, prayers, friendship, happiness and love are welcome to join us in this...

Brand New Day

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair?
And how many times did you swear
That you'd never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights?
How many lies, how many fights?
And why would you want to
Put yourself through all of that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way of
Paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
Or you could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile you've been thinking of all day?

Why don't we turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she'll take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, sister
You'll never know how much I missed her
I'm starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
We're starting up a brand new day

It could happen to you,
Just like it happened to me,
There's simply no immunity
There's no guarantee.
I say love's such a force if you find yourself in it
You need some time for reflection
You say, baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero, Mac
I'm begging her to take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero buddy
Don't wanna be no fuddy duddy
Started up a brand new day

I'm the rhythm in your tune
I'm the sun and you're the moon
I'm the bat and you're the cave
You're the beach and I'm the wave
I'm the plow and you're the land
You're the glove and I'm the hand
I'm the train and you're the station
I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

I'm the present to your future
You're the wound and I'm the suture
You're the magnet to my pole
I'm the devil in your soul
You're the pupil I'm the teacher
You're the church and I'm the preacher
You're the flower I'm the rain
You're the tunnel I'm the train

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

You're the crop to my rotation
You're the sum of my equation
I'm the answer to your question
If you follow my suggestion
We can turn this ship around
We'll go up instead of down
You're the pan and I'm the handle
You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
We're starting up a brand new day
- Sting

The Girl in the Bubble

When The Papa and I were getting divorced a few years ago, I saw a therapist. She helped me sort through a lot of my feelings and was a great sounding board for me. In our last session, I asked for help with all the grief that was consuming me. We did some visualization exercises and I was shocked with the results. I pictured myself on my wedding day; all dressed in white and happier than I have ever been. The changing autumn leaves falling all around me and so in love it oozed from my pores. I then captured that part of me and put her in a snow globe. Separate and safe from the day to day me, she could sit among the leaves that were falling from the trees in her own little bubble. The therapist was concerned that I would leave her in there forever and encouraged me to visit her often in hopes that one day she could once again become a part of me.

From that day forward, I put my mental “leaf globe” up on the shelf. I would shake it up every once in a while and check in on her. I always deemed it too unsafe for her to leave the bubble though and back up on the shelf she went.

Somewhere along the way, I deemed her strong enough and let her out of the bubble.

Ten years ago today, The Papa and I went on our first date. As I sit and reflect on the past ten years, I am amazed and ever so glad that she escaped that bubble and can celebrate them with me. After all, it was her that made that leap of faith that day. I trusted her belief that it would be okay to let someone love us.

Today, I feel whole and complete. I have learned that love does change, people do change and that it is okay to love someone, and yourself, through all the changes.

Through the next ten years and beyond, I hope we can keep remembering and cherishing that special love we have for each other. I love you, John.

The Greeks Don't Want No Threeks

The many differences between The Papa and I not only drive me crazy at times, but are the glue that holds us together. An example?

The Papa has always preferred a threek to a fork. Urban Dictionary defines a threek:

1. threek
a three-tined eating utensil, similar to a fork.
"Look Mommy, this lady uses threeks instead of forks."

Our flatware is so old it looks like it came across the Oregon Trail. I've passed on several opportunities to get some nice, new flatware because there are no threeks in the set. Me? I use forks like the rest of the sane people of the world. When The Papa and I first co-habitated and all our books and belongings started to mingle, I remember how cute it was to see the pitiful little threeks in the silverware tray all stacked with the forks. They looked like little three-legged puppies. For a while, when The Papa was gone from the house, I actually missed them being in the drawer. I think their absence was a great reminder for me how much I need to get my "freaky threek" on in life. Without them, it was just all forks, all the time and you knew that when you reached in the drawer a fork is what you would get. Every single time. Life is so much sweeter for me not knowing if an occasional threek is going to be thrown into the mix.

Now, if I could just get him to put the toilet seat down...

Life On Life's Terms

The Papa left last Wednesday for a week long trip to Idaho. The first part of the trip he was at a ProRally and had some fun racing cars. After the rally was over, he went to eastern Idaho to visit his mother and his eldest brother, Lars, who is ill and in a nursing home. The second half of his trip not being as fun as the first part. He is bringing his mother (The Meemaw) home with him for a visit and they will arrive tomorrow night. Robby's 4th birthday party is Sunday. (I cannot believe he will be four!) The Meemaw will be able to come to the birthday party, as well as attend the 2nd birthday party of one of her great-grandsons on Saturday. I finally got online invitations out last night. The people who don't have an email address will have to settle for a phoned invitation.

I just remembered I forgot to order the birthday cake.

Robby has just had a hard time with The Papa being gone. He has tested me every chance he's had and is more contrary than I've ever seen him. If I say anything he has to disagree with it. It has to be his original idea or plan. Otherwise, it is completely out of the question. Case in point - He refused to go to the playground last night because it was my idea. He said he'd rather stay at home and play. This, from the kid who always begs to go to the playground. Tonight, I am going to suggest he stay up late and ignore the vegetables on his plate at dinner. He stayed at home with The Grandma today.

I just remembered I never called the school to tell them he wasn't coming today.

We are having a backyard BBQ with hamburgers, hot dogs and lots of water fun for the kids. I have managed to get the lawn fairly green again in time for the party. The larger weeds are all gone, and every guest will notice this, as small bare dirt patches speckle the lawn in their place.

I just remembered I need to get a replacement handle-starting cord installed in the mower by Saturday.

The machines in my life are on strike this week it seems. Last night, my cell phone battery died sometime in the night. I feel bad that I didn't even hear it cry out that familiar "bong bong" as it powered down for the last time.

I was not greeted with the usual time display on the coffee pot this morning. Sometime in the night, a flashing "Errr2" took its place. After reading the very unhelpful owner's manual, I have concluded that "Errr2" is Kitchen-Aid for "The burner took a shit and won't heat up now".

The Grandma just called to say the she and Robby were on their way to the third Goodwill store of the day. She is determined to find a coffeemaker for $5. She probably has driven 25 miles looking for the next Goodwill store. At 11 miles per gallon that's roughly a $7 investment in the $5 coffee pot. Maybe it's true that eventually we all turn into our mothers.

Tomorrow night cannot come fast enough. The Papa will be home and things will once again be right with the world. I always sleep better when the entire pack is back in the den. I miss telling him about my day face to face. I miss all the little things he does for me to remind me that I am important too. I long to hold his hand and hear about how his brother is doing and how he is dealing with the thought of losing him. I miss his smell. I miss his touch.

I just remembered why I love The Papa so much.

Circle Each Other in a Cage

The Papa and I got married 7 years ago today. The last few years were not like we envisioned on our wedding day, but as a good friend said, they led us to where we are now...

Happy

Some need gold and some need diamond rings
Or a drug to take away the pain that living brings
A promise of a better world to come
When whatever here is done
I don't need that sky of blue
All I know's since I found you, I'm happy when
I'm in your arms
Happy, darling, come the dark
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

There's a house upon a distant hill
Where you can hear the laughter of children ring
Guardian angels, they watch from above
Watching over the love that they bring
But at night I feel the darkness near, I awake and
I find you near
I'm happy with you in my arms
I'm happy with you in my heart
Happy when I taste your kiss
I'm happy in love like this

In a world of doubt and fear
I wake at night and reach to find you near
Lost in a dream, you caught me as I fell
I want more than just a dream to tell

We're born in this world, darling, with few days
and trouble never far behind
Man and woman circle each other in a cage
A cage that's been handed down the line
Lost and running 'neath a million dead stars
Tonight let's shed our skin and slip these bars
Happy in each other's arms
Happy baby, come the dark
Happy in each other's kiss
I'm happy in a love like this

- Bruce Springsteen

Catching Up

Hi there. Yeah, I took a few months off and threw a surprise blog at you that had absolutely zero personal content whatsoever. Forgive me?

A lot has changed in my life since June. In no particular order:

• Robby started pooping in the potty! It only took 3 years 1 month and 12 days for it to click with him that the toilet was the best place to put his crap.
• My little brother, Uncle Mike, got married in Las Vegas. I made a 5 day trip there to help celebrate and had the best time I can remember having since last October.
• The Papa and I decided to reconcile and give the whole couple thing another shot. This is by far the biggest news and most important to me. It's also probably why there have been no posts for so long. Writing my thoughts on this subject was something I wasn't comfortable with on this blog. Maybe I needed a cave for that.
• My grandmother, The Nanny, visited and spent 5 days of her time here in the hospital. She has since gone home to Arizona and spent another week or so in the hospital there. Along with her heart problems, it appears some dementia has developed.
• Robby turned 3!

I'm sure there are many others, but these are the highlights of what you've missed. I plan on writing about each event over the next week. So, fasten those seat belts and hang on for details on the wild ride that is my life. I can tell you now that my life feels whole. I am happy for the first time in a very long time!

Separation Anxiety

Hi. I know I haven't posted in awhile. The Papa and I separated about 6 weeks ago. I've had a hard time concluding how I would write about all of this and post it here for everyone, including The Papa, to see. I'm sure I will post things that will hurt him on this site. I think the subject matter alone is enough to hurt him. I know that I have a need to write about my life though and I can't filter out the worst thing that I've ever been through and write about just potty training and the weather. I must address the rather large elephant in the living room at some point. I do know that I have no intentions of being cruel, either here or in the real world. I will always try to write with compassion and love.

I can't tell you all about how he cheated on me, stole the family bible or beat me. I can't because he didn't do any of those things. He's a good and decent man. I love him still and will until the day I die. The sad part is I've only just discovered that love isn't always enough. Sounds like some sad song from the 90's. As of today, I have not filed for divorce. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I've spent the past six weeks trying to think of any way I can to fix this marriage. I haven't let myself start a new life and I won't let myself go back to the old life. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. Emotionally, it has been a wild ride but things are more clear to me now than they were six weeks ago, last week or even yesterday. I guess I can call that progress.